Is There a Downside to Receiving Nachat from Children?

Perhaps the greatest desire parents have throughout the lives of their children is to be recipients of regular nachat from them. As a result, one of the most often expressed berachot that parents receive from family and friends and in situations when they are receiving public recognition for some contribution is nachat from their children.

The source for the use of the word nachat has an expression of great satisfaction is the Torah. Sacrifices in the Bet HaMikdash are described as giving Hashem a Nachat Ruach-pleasant and satisfying smell when the smoke from the burning offering rises into the sky. Rashi gives the following explanation for this term. “It is a satisfying smell Before Me because I said (to do something) and My Will was fulfilled.” In essence, Hashem is the recipient of nachat from His children because they listened to Him.

Sounds familiar, parents are the recipients of nachat like Hashem when their children are obedient, or they accomplish something meaningful and significant. Another angle to parent nachat is seeing their children’s accomplishments as a reflection of themselves.

So, if nachat is a natural reaction of parents to their children’s successes and Hashem Himself desires nachat from His children, could there be a downside?

Let’s investigate the Torah for an answer to this question. On the previous Shabbat the story of the death of Aharon’s two oldest sons was read. As one of the most beloved leaders of the Jewish nation, this story is emotional for all of us. Nadav and Avihu brought a strange fire on the altar which resulted in Hashem taking their lives. For exactly what reason they died is not clear as there are several different explanations. Most of which imply that the two brothers committed some significant wrongdoing.

However, there is one Midrash that paints a very positive picture of them. Immediately after they died, Moshe told Aharon that Hashem communicated during the building of the Mishkan that someone close to Him will lose his life as a way of sanctifying it and bringing Honor to His Holy Name. Moshe said to Aharon, “I always thought it would be either me or you.” “Now I realize that Nadav and Avihu are closer to Hashem than we are because He took their lives.”

Following Moshe’s explanation, the Torah records, “and Aharon was silent.” He did not emotionally breakdown from this personal tragedy. Rashi comments that he was rewarded for his almost superhuman control of his emotions. Hashem gave him the opportunity to receive directly from Him one of the Mitzvot without Moshe being present.  What an awesome spiritual reward.

The Siftei Chachmim commented that Rashi’s understanding of Moshe’s explanation to Aharon for the death of his son’s was a factor in Aharon’s silence in the face of the tragedy. At first glance, we can understand Moshe’s intent for telling Aharon about why Hashem took their lives as a way of comforting him, which enabled Aharon to control his emotions. Although Aharon was greatly mollified by hearing that his sons were closer to Hashem than either Moshe or himself, Hashem still saw Aharon’s silence as a great feat and so he was rewarded.

However, the Siftie Chachamim brought in his commentary and explanation by Divrei David. He said in his understanding of human emotion, one should never praise a person who recently died in the presence of close relatives because it will lead to even a greater outpouring of emotions. In other words, according to the Divrei David, Moshe’s explanation to Aharon of the reason for Nadav’s and Avihu’s death, made it even more difficult to control his emotions, and yet, he did, and so he was justly rewarded. Divrei David’s explanation is supported by Chazal and by Jewish mourning customs. Eulogies are meant to lament, arouse the emotions of the mourners to enable them to grieve.

Although the death of parents causes exceptional grief, it’s the death of a child which appears almost impossible to bear. Look at our father Yaakov’s reaction to the news of Yosef’s demise and his reaction when his sons wanted to take Binyamin to Egypt, fearing certain death. Ultimately, it’s in the ways of life for children to bury their parents but not for parents to bury children.

A lesson we learn and ultimately understand is how emotionally wrapped up parents are in the lives of their children, in joy and in tragedy. The same intense emotions that are on display when a tragedy occurs often pours forth to some degree when an expected nachat opportunity does not materialize. A great psychologist once said, “It seems that no matter how successful someone is in any aspect of life, whether it be financial, career, scholarly, influential, leadership, etc., if he is not receiving nachat from one of his children even if he is from the others, none of his accomplishments will really seem to matter.  

Let’s go back to our original question, is there any downside to receiving nachat from children? Receiving nachat is a principle of the Torah. Israel symbolically gives Hashem great nachat by fulfillment of all offerings brought and through heartfelt tefilot and all Taryag Mitzvot. However, unlike Hashem, people are faced with the challenge of managing the emotions that are associated with having children.  Aharon was quite a unique individual, how about the rest of us?

There are three areas that the emotions of nachat can affect, which parents need to be aware of, and to work on themselves to prevent their influence. All three can have serious consequences on the lives of children.

1.      Parents lose control of themselves when their children don’t satisfy their nachat needs or they think their children were robbed of some accomplishment.

2.      Parents’ emotional response to the nachat they receive is not commensurate with their children’s accomplishments. It is usually well beyond the achievement.

3.      Parents’ need for nachat is so strong they interfere with their children’s natural course of life. They neglect maturation benchmarks of significant areas of development. They steer children toward hobbies, interests and areas of study that are preparing them for a life they won’t be suited for or interested in, only because it will provide greater nachat to them.

YES, Although, there is a downside to nachat as we mentioned, the upside is actually a payment from Hashem to parents for doing the hard work of raising His children.  This payment is a necessity because raising children is very hard work and failure should not be an option. Nachat is nature’s motivator to do a five-star job.

Don’t let Hashem’s payment for this awesome life work be the cause of your failure.