If Excellence Is the Goal, Then Criticism Is My Ally
Mr. Avi Shulman, renowned Torah educator in America, penned this aphorism, if excellence is the goal, then criticism is my ally. These words help us understand Hashem’s Mindset for the purpose of Sefer Devarim.
Sefer Devarim has a nickname among our sages, “The Book of Rebuke.” It is so, because Hashem instructed Moshe to record it and share it with the nation in the last weeks of his life. This effective approach, to rebuke at the end of the leader’s life, was modeled previously by Yaakov Avinu. It was repeated many times by future leaders including Yehoshua, Shmuel and David.
We learn three important lessons from Hashem’s consistent commandment to great Jewish leaders regarding rebuke.
Receiving rebuke is a necessity in successfully following in the ways of
Hashem.2. Rebuke must be given in the most effective way possible.
3. Effective rebuke is not only what should be said and how it should be communicated, but even when it should be given.
The Midrash, Sifri, shares four reasons why rebuke is best at the end of a person’s life. Suffice to say, their common denominator is the effectiveness of rebuking, which is why we should carefully analyze the approach and the reasons behind it.
The Four Reasons:
If a person does not wait to rebuke until the end of his life, he is likely to repeat the rebuke again and again over the years. Each rebuke is emotionally painful and embarrassing. The resulting negativity will likely strain the relationship and minimize the chances for a positive outcome, which is accepting and learning from the rebuke
By not waiting to rebuke, the individual who was rebuked will live a life of emotional discomfort loathing the possibility of seeing the person who rebuked him, leading to recurring embarrassment.
Receiving rebuke is likely to cause someone to transgress the negative commandments not to bear a grudge or even to take revenge. The reason for this reaction is because people are highly sensitive to criticism. The emotional discomfort that is triggered will generate very negative feelings for the other person, which can lead to the transgression of many other mitzvot. However, by waiting until the end of his life, the rebuked individual will gain clarity that this person rebuked him out of love.
By not waiting until the end of his life to give rebuke, the rebuker runs the risk of committing a sin, which will lead to the rebuked person discounting the rebuke. He can say, “who is he to rebuke me, he’s no tzadik.”
What we glean from the four reasons for waiting to rebuke until the end of life, is the Torah’s implication that rebuking has the potential to be emotionally damaging for the recipient. Hence, by waiting until the end of one’s life to rebuke, its intense negativity can be greatly mitigated. This practice seems to be in line with the Torah’s description of the Mitzva to rebuke your fellow Jew. The Pasuk says: Don’t hate your brother in your heart, you should surely rebuke your friend, and don’t bear a sin because of him. The three phrases of the pasuk are providing the message that rebuking another Jew is a sign of care and concern, but be careful not to sin by hurting him emotionally through your rebuke.
Although the Midrash endorses the practice of waiting until the end of life to rebuke, it does not frame the Mitzva of the Torah that way. It implies, if you see a fellow Jew violating the Torah, you are obligated to step up and issue a rebuke in a timely way. The question is asked, what if you rebuked someone and he does not comply, should you rebuke again? The Midrash concludes and says yes, even a hundred times.
We can conclude that the practice of waiting seems to be directed toward the leaders of Israel and not the people in their day to day lives. However, the potential negativity of rebuking which waiting tends to mitigate, none the less remains of great concern and must be guarded against. The Torah implies such a message, “…and don’t bear a sin because of him.”
Let’s look at the Mitzva of rebuke when we are dealing with our children and what we can draw from the Torah and Midrash. Parents, school personnel and other caregivers have a heavy obligation in employing the Mitzva of rebuke through the lenses of chinuch. Rebuke is one of the fundamental chinuch tools in guiding a child during his years of growth and maturity. If the Torah is concerned that criticism can be a damaging experience for people, all the more so for children, who lack the emotional strength to protect themselves.
In that light, Mr. Avi Shulman further wrote on the topic of rebuking a list of more- and less-effective ways to criticize children. He wrote:
Less Effective Rebuke. More Effective Rebuke
Rebuke in Public Rebuke in Private
Rebuke out of Anger Rebuke with Expressions of Love
Rebuke in a Loud Voice Rebuke in a Soft Voice
Rebuke with Negativity Rebuke with Positivity
Rebuke Randomly Rebuke to Focus on Specific Issues
The More Criticism the Better The less Criticism the Better
Include Past Mistakes in Current Rebuke Rebuke to Inspire Future
Accomplishments, forget the past
Children (and adults) must be taught and shown that criticism is not a form of depreciation. It is perhaps the single most powerful tool for personal growth if applied properly.
Rabbi Jonathan Rietti showed from the word for criticism in לשון הקודש- תוכחה that it is in fact a positive tool. It means that the translation as rebuke and reprimand are not really accurate. Rashi explains the word to mean “clarify or prove.” It’s not meant to cause anger and hurt but rather to help someone improve.
The Steipler Rav, Harav Yaakov Yitzchak Kanievsky Z” L pointed out an amazing textual insight on the matter. There are two consecutive pesukim, one says “Do not hate your brother in your heart”, and the second one says, “You shall love your neighbor like yourself.” He asked, how can a person go from one emotional extreme to the other so quickly? He answered, by way of a bridge, “You shall surely rebuke your friend…”, which is recorded at the end of the first pasuk. Rebuke when executed properly will turn hatred into love.
I encourage parents to take a serious look at this Mitzva, which can be a valuable tool or a dangerous weapon for the sake of raising children in the best way. If you are convinced about the challenge of rebuke and you are concerned about using criticism inappropriately, contact me for guidance.
Save the date: We will be running a Chinuch Matters webinar, 24 August, 9:00pm Israel time, 2:00pm US East coast time.
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